i know i'm not your favorite record

and maybe despite the fact that after all this time something so simple can still hurt me, i think i'll be okay.

i guess i just have a problem with. well, i don't know.

i care too much. that is my problem. but i will be okay.

and the truth is that..

now, in this moment, i just kind of hate you.

fad

all i want(ed) is/was to feel cared about by.

well.

by someone who just doesn't.

this may be a revelation. or a secret i was keeping from myself. maybe something i was trying to ignore.

but i'm just so afraid that now that i have accepted this fact, or, whatever. i'm just afraid i won't be able to get over it like i've lied about so many times.

it scares me. it really does.

i still hate this feeling. so damn much.

and. maybe, just maybe. i still don't understand why what i want is so unreachable.

liars turn me on

and the promise of 'you and me forever' and the proclamation of 'i actually give a shit about you' all seem to mean nothing after awhile

so remind me again, why should i ever trust anyone?

i shouldn't.

i keep fucking forgetting this, but i need to remind myself:

i count for nothing. i am nothing. people don't care about me because i am unimportant and unworthy. i. am. not. worth. it.



and it's funny that after all this time all my predictions and beliefs are still right and all my hopes and wishes are still fucked over by reality.

fighting with my own brain is such a fucking battle and it is so hard for either side to win.

never means forever

it is surreal and odd how infecting some people can be and how easy it is to brush off anyone else.

i wonder what it would be like if i could give up on late night blessings and casual eventual happenings that spark some kind of faux feeling.

i wonder what it would be like if i gave up on everyone. i could do it. i could stop caring.

i should, actually. i'm not afraid to be alone.

maybe i'd just get bored. i know it wouldn't affect anyone but me though.

still wishing on things that don't exist for things that can't happen. even my optimism is fueled by pessimism.

i just need something stable
something continual
something mine

it won't ever happen though

i won't ever happen.

i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad

the last time i felt cared about by anyone except one person (who i talk to daily) was sometime in june.
it is SUCH a shitty feeling to be constantly reminded no one gives a shit about you.
but i guess it's for the best.

android

sometimes realizations make me extremely sad

and, well
i guess i may not be as secretive as it seems..

adventures

and it seems as if i couldn't be more excited

i am wondering if things will fall into place

i don't want to jinx it - (knock on wood) - but i am so confused as to why everyone is having such bad luck (karma, what did they do?) lately, but i'm not. fuck

the stars cry the blackest tears - and really how much more emo could you get? (i am trying i am trying but is it working?)

a month and a half ago i pushed down all those feelings and memories.

a month and a half ago is when i realized - finally realized - it was done.

a month and a half ago i didn't push down far enough.

a month and a half later it's four am and i am reading something that reminds me of those things that i am supposed to be over.

twenty minutes go by and i am sitting here, red swollen eyes and sniffling like a baby.

my head isn't ready to deal with this, this is my body being intelligent and realizing that i'm not ready, not mature enough for it.

and yet i must have been if i went through it.

i get that i am over dramatic - but what would be the point in me feeling all this then?

i wonder what it's like to be clinically insane.

wasted lives

it is becoming increasingly hard to believe that this is actually happening, but it is and i am almost proud of myself for getting over it.

those feelings were more than i could have explained. i hardly remember half of them.
some of the things i look back on and read just blow my mind.

i enjoy moving on
and speaking of that

i am sick of this apartment, i'm ready to pack up and go again
this time can we make it down to chicago?

so touchable

you look at people differently when you sleep with them.
or.. when they sleep on you.

i look like shit and i couldn't care less.
i really don't want this to end..

how can it be any more than expected?

one thing can shatter everything.

dance with me

crying your eyes out and sniffling back snot doesn't do much good when no one cares- or even notices

it is always you that i am talking to in my mind
and after years of practice i still don't have it down
how could i? it's impossible
i would never be able to tell you anyway

the sun is rising but my blinds are closed and my light's been on all night
spotlights do no good

'believe in me cause i dont believe in anything'

it seems that even now its still unimportant to anyone but me.

all i am is scared. im scared to love, im scared to miss, im scared to care, im scared to feel, im scared to hurt, im scared to live, im scared to die, im scared to listen, im scared to see, im scared to hear, im scared to talk, im scared to believe, im scared to wish, im scared to cry, im scared to sleep, im scared for you.

this is just a feeling that is just something i cant even explain
why wont it go away?
its had a nice stay

i dont know what im doing
my fingers are just typing

i am so confused, not only by myself but just everything.

how is it possible i can write every detail in my head and when i get to writing it out online i just chicken out and forget it all?

i cant even hope or wish for anything.

someone try to help me? please?

where am i going with this
where am i going, anywhere
i dont even understand.

someone help me understand.

hang em high

funny how you can stop meaning anything to everyone

the end

three strikes you're out.

i dont know how to make this any simpler

but i wish i could erase memories, and then maybe this wouldn't kill me so much.

and if you dont know, now you know

i just don't understand the point in trying when the reason you're trying doesn't care.