we're gonna shoot you

i try my hardest
but in the end, it's not good enough
for anyone

i want someone to fix
i want to stop living, sometimes

i don't want to be like this.

apathy

change is too easy sometimes.

drawn to the ones who never yawn

cigarette smoke. stale breath. musky smell. beer.

late at night (early in the morning) some songs give me a general sense of okay. but it never lasts.

sometimes i can't stand the daily chaos. sometimes i'm in love with it.

infatuation.

i really don't have any secrets

chills and tears
bottles

i am in love with the burning of my tired eyes and the yawning every ten seconds
i am in love with being the only one awake
i am in love with being able to only talk to myself

if i could stay in the mindset forever my life would be perfect

in the cold you look so fierce, but i'm warming up

no good at this or that
but i'm good at breathing and keeping people on track

i've perfected making myself sad

chapstick and eyeliner and glasses
hoodies and socks and fuckclothesgoddammit

i don't know how i can swap back and forth so quickly

lately i can't shut my mind off when i sleep
i'm constantly thinking and i don't know if i actually ever sleep or not

songs from yesterday stuck in my ear and songs from tomorrow stuck in my head

cold toes and disappointment

dead asleep dreaming

the confusing matter of days roll by
and i always have quotes from books stuck in my head that i read before i was old enough to remember the titles

smooth skin and early goodnights

applause

sleepytime.

oob ybab

honestly, i feel as if i'm constantly doing something wrong

and i just don't want to have another ~episode~ of us not talking
because there's been like, fifty


..in the past two months.


travel through the night
grab the closest wheel and drive.

get away, get away, get away, get away yeah

it amuses me the lack of sincerity in people's insults



i no longer have a reason to waste my time with anyone or hold anyone's trust (but it's okay right? because i might as well OD or something, hmm. what a great idea.)
i obviously love being blamed for things i didn't do

denial

silly pete wentz: i don't know when i stopped being good enough for her
fuck: its so cliche but its not you
silly pete wentz: it must be
fuck: but its not
silly pete wentz: well i haven't changed so i guess the fact that she has and i didn't change with her just fucked it up

i don't know what else to do anymore

i tried to stop caring- i couldn't
i tried to give it up and move on- i couldn't
i tried to stop crying- i couldn't

i can't even say 'i quit' or 'i give up' any more because i keep trying to do that and i can't. i just feel so stuck. i'm so sick of this. i don't want it to mean anything to me anymore. obviously if you can move on just like that then i should be able to too. but i don't know.

i'm just not good enough, i guess
for anyone

i hate this fucking bullshit
i hate me

life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness

you only say that because you don't want me to be mad at you because you need me

you just don't realize how much it fucks with me
because my subconscience is fucking dumb and doesn't remember how to tell itself that it doesn't mean anything (anymore)

i'm so fucking sick of being fucked with
even when it's unintentional

fuck this

i don't understand why things can't stay okay for more than like, ten minutes

what the hell even happened?
i don't get it

everyone is sick of hearing about it and i'm sick of talking about it
this is such bullshit

i want it to stop meaning so much to me

m&ms

first of all, i don't know if i want to talk to you or not. but i figured out what has been bothering me for over two months. i figured out what it is that i've wanted to say but never really knew what it was.

we used to be a lot closer. i'm not sure if it was because i liked panic then, or if it's because you've changed. but we were. we were different than we are now, different than we were before the start of this. you used to tell me what you were feeling about me and us. i don't know if you stopped because you stopped feeling things like that, or you stopped because you just didn't care anymore, or maybe you didn't realize you stopped. but you used to say things like 'i miss your voice'. sometimes, you'd be the one to apologize first after a fight because you didn't like not talking to me. and i have to assume that that has changed. i have to assume that you don't, and haven't for awhile, felt like that anymore. i can't change that, i don't think.

i used to mean more to you. we used to talk about more, different things.

i wrote all that before you imed me. i won't stop talking to you, i promise. i don't break my promises. you should know this by now.

but my problem is that i want to be everything, for every one. but now i'm just the person that comforts people and (tries to) fix their problems. and i just have to live with that, i guess.

there are things that i want. i want to go back to how things used to be when you wanted to talk to me. when you would tell me exactly what you feeling. when i used to make you happy. not just when i was there to help you get by. but i just don't know if any of that can even come back. i don't know if you even want it.

i miss.. it all. i miss us being on the phone all the time. i miss dumb petnames and inside jokes and all those other little signs of affection that used to be a part of our friendship and just disappeared.

if i could have it my way, that would still be a part of it. i haven't changed. i still care about you the same way i cared about you two, three, four months ago. i still care about you in the way that my days basically do revolve around when and if we're talking, what you're doing, and whatever else. they still do and maybe that's my problem. i understand that i got too attached and that i still am. i get that, and i tried to let go. for a month and a half, i tried to stop caring about you. i did and it didn't work. i couldn't do it. but then you 'didn't like' being too attached, or whatever. maybe it scared you. maybe you really, didn't like it. but you ran away from it, from me. i can't do that again.

i'm not going to leave you hanging because i know you need me. that's fine. but you need to let me know what it is going on in your mind. you need to let me know where you stand in this, because i know where i stand. and before you even reply to this, wait. and read it in a few hours when you're in a different mood. just to see.

i haven't changed. i'm not changing. i haven't left and i'm not leaving.

i want more than you may.. be able to give me anymore. that's fine. but you need to let me know what that is and what i shouldn't expect to happen anymore.

you were right, things aren't going to go back to normal in a few days. but are they ever going to go back to normal? or are they going to start a new normal? you haven't given me any insight on this and i don't know how to handle a friendship that we don't talk about.

champagne supernova

really, though.

all i want is for you to tell me what you're thinking. just whenever. because honestly, i don't know what is going on.
i don't know what is going on with 'us'.

i just don't.
i don't even want to im you because i don't know if you want to talk to me.

so you're going to have to talk to me so i can understand a little more.
please?

oh and i definitely wasn't mad earlier. but it's funny to me that you say that you say that to everyone and.. you used to tell me you didn't really say it to anyone.

that was awhile ago though. and i suppose there was no 'i' included.

i'll stop looking into things and just let them all go.

see, here's the thing

i thought i was done crying over this. i'm so sick of it.

i'll wash my bloody hands and we'll start a new life

okay, what? you hate me now? can you explain to me what it is that i did?

it's been almost a month now and i still don't understand this, at all. fucking fine if you don't want to talk to me, but can you make up your mind? because yesterday you said you were dying inside because you weren't talking to me and today you say you're 'done' and go off about hating someone, which, i guess, could be me.

but honestly, you need to figure it out. because i know what i want, and it's to talk to you. but if you're not going to let me have that, then i'm done trying, anymore. go ahead and post all you want in postsecret but seriously? i need to move on and i can't be waiting all the time to see if you miss me today, or if you hate me.

i fucking said i would wait for you, the last time you were like this. i fucking said i'd wait until after hct, after graduation if that's what it took so you weren't stressed any more. and guess what? i have waited, i have, and i got fucking nothing out of it. nothing.

if you want to talk to me, then talk to me. you're not going to be able to decide what's 'better for me' until we actually talk things out. i don't know if your 'gradual' idea is even going to work since we've already been so used to each other, but if that's what you want, then fine.

but if you don't want to talk to me, then can you just let me know? because the only thing i ever have to go off of is your posts and they're so bipolar that i never know what to expect. if you want me to stop then that's fine, because i'm ready to stop. it's been a god damn month, i'm ready to move on and let go for good.



oh and ps~
just to save you time for asking, no, letting go does not mean i'm going to stop caring about you~. of course i will always care if something bad happens/ed to you. i still love and care about you a lot. if i didn't, do you honestly believe i'd go through all of this? if i didn't, do you honestly think it would've hurt so much? but i need to know as a solid if we are going to talk or not. it's fine if you can't decide right away, and it's fine if we don't start talking right away. but i need to know so i can save myself from holding out hope any longer. if you still care about me then you need to realize that not talking to me can hurt just as much as it would if you were talking to me.