"yeah well my brother's still in jail"

crying to the sound of the neighbors' party next door.
reading to escape reality.
eyes burning from dried tears masked eyeliner and squinting too much.
makes me rethink who i am.
makes me rethink who i want to be.
get ready for a surprise you're expecting and a tragedy that only affects me.
i'm not even excited because you ruined it.
you can kick me out of your house and heart but never your mind or paycheck.
i'm sure if i tried hard enough it wouldn't be so bad.
i almost just don't care anymore.
but i refuse to let myself dig down that far again.

do with yourself what you want.
i'm obsessed with correcting myself.

happy birthday, walkie talkie.

sometimes, i just need false reassurance. i have the heater and ac on at the same time. falling out of things is great when you fall back into them- not so much when you don't. i've never fallen out of you, it's been two and a half years. i love when it snows on valentine's day. now all everyone does is complain it's too cold and too hard to focus so we should get out for the day. gotta make it up anyway. i'm excited and i know you are too. remember 'don't forget' and 'rhetorical handshakes'?

it's been two years and my eyes still aren't dry.

at night i'll cry out an emotional mess and fall asleep hoping there is no tomorrow. i'll wake up in the morning forgetting who i was two hours ago and go to school as if there is nothing wrong. sometimes it's easier to keep it in then let it out. lie behind my eyes, on my pillow case and to your face. i lie to myself most the time too. feeling like this is weird, and i think i need some help. all i can imagine is me crying on a bed in a shrink's office as they write on my file 'psycho, mental ward asap'. except maybe not as dramatic. i'm excited for the world to end and everyone to be proven wrong.