111 pb&j sandwiches. 110 smoothies. 1 pepper. addition, equalization.

i know you don't want to miss me, and you don't want to talk to me.
but i want you to miss me, and i want you to talk to me.

but at the same time, i want to stop missing you so i can stop caring if you miss me or not.

and i know (or think, whatever) that you're not talking to anyone about this. but i can't do that, and i've talked to a lot of people about it. they all tell me that you'll regret 'it' one day, and that you'll miss me, etc.

and you can get mad at me for this. but this is what i got tonight:
blahblahblah: obviously despite what she has said previously, you've made some sort of an impact on her
blahblahblah: she wouldn't be going through all this trouble, using so much energy if it actually didn't matter
blahblahblah yeah but I think if she really didn't miss you, she wouldn't feel the need to ~prove it or explain it as often as she does

but i know you so everything everyone keeps telling me, i just think they're wrong. i just want to know if this is ever going to change, honestly. i want to know if you're ever going to miss me enough for long enough that you'll want to and will start talking to me. i want to know if we're ever going to be friends again. i want to know when this is going to happen, if it will at all.

and if it doesn't, i want to know when i'm going to get over it. because everything still reminds me of you, and while it doesn't hurt so much anymore, it still makes me sad every time i see something (whether you posted it or not) that reminds me of you and i have to know that we don't have that anymore.

i got most of my emotions under control. i stopped crying after the first week. i stopped believing things would change after the second. now every time i get closer to being over it, you say something that gives me a false sense of hope. but i can't expect you to know anything or have any answers when you don't even know if you miss me or not at all times. or something like that.

i don't know what you'd like me to do. i don't know if it's even possible for me to help you not miss me since it's about me. but if there's anything i can do just let me know, because once you're done giving me hope that we'll ever talk again, i can finally get over it.

something big.

i wrote something to you that might explain a lot of things.
but i don't think you'll ever read it.
not because you wouldn't, but i don't think i'll ever show you.

and maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me.
i have had that song stuck in my head for days.
i can't stop listening to it.

if it was you, if it was me

i am caught between missing you and hating you.
i know you don't care, but i don't understand how i can be caught between those two. oh well.

on another/whatever note,
it's weird to think i've had this for over a year.
so much has changed. i've lived in something like four places since the one i started this in.
this is my 101st post. yay, me.

i'm so sore.

fuck.

3/13
9:27:00 PM iockbden: it kills me that you don't trust me that i won't be like 'fuck this, i don't want to talk anymore' because you know just as well as i do that i can never do that. even if i wanted to, i just can't and i don't want to
9:32:28 PM iockbden: it's not you thought.. i told you yesterday, and all the time how i feel and you know it's not you
9:32:36 PM iockbden: it's just everything around me
9:41:21 PM iockbden: well sometimes if you say something, mostly about yourself like 'i wish i would die now' or something
9:41:27 PM iockbden: i say what the fuck because that's exactly like i'm thinking
9:41:40 PM iockbden: you know i care about you and i don't want to hear you say shit like that
9:49:59 PM iockbden: i feel worse afterwards BECAUSE you think you're not doing anything to help me
9:50:12 PM iockbden: you've made me feel better more than anybody else has
9:50:42 PM iockbden: so if you're all 'oh fuck it i'm worthless', then i feel worse because i don't have anybody else that i turn to
9:54:03 PM iockbden: it doesn't have to seem like it. we can be talking and i can act bitchier or get more defensive or cry more or whatever but you always always make me feel better

3/16
9:26:03 PM mad as rabbits: i just really miss your voice
--
10:09:56 PM i ock ryro: i just sneezed
10:10:02 PM mad as rabbits: :-)
10:10:11 PM i ock ryro: it was really girly
10:10:13 PM i ock ryro: it was like
10:10:16 PM i ock ryro: idk
10:10:20 PM mad as rabbits: like
10:10:21 PM mad as rabbits: achoo
10:10:21 PM i ock ryro: a lot higher pitched then it normally is
10:10:26 PM i ock ryro: it's more like
10:10:28 PM i ock ryro: ahhhhhh CHOOOOO
10:10:30 PM i ock ryro: lmao
10:11:07 PM mad as rabbits: i actually sounded it out in my head
10:11:11 PM mad as rabbits: if i did it out loud my mom would be like wtf
10:11:14 PM mad as rabbits: :|

for a minute i was convinced that things were still the same.
then i remembered what is actually going on and i missed you even more.

i thought i was so close to being over this. maybe not.

i'm sorry. i really am. i don't know what else to say to make things better.
i know you don't want to miss me or talk to me. i'm sorry that you do.

so, so sorry.

another night, another dream wasted on you.

you're making me really anxious.
and there's no reason for it, i shouldn't be.

this shouldn't be fucking with my mind so much.

i wonder if you'd answer...

by now you should've somehow realized what you gotta do

did you want me to im you, or something?
because if you want me to i will.

---

i've been listening to music from my childhood. like, 90s music.
the mood is so different. it's kind of a relief to listen to it.

i wish there was a way to make a library of every song you've ever heard. especially because i can't remember more than half of them.

i'm kind of pissed about not going to chicago, if only for the fact that i wanted to be in chicago again. i love it there. i love how it feels different. it feels like home and i constantly miss that.

i've been thinking of a lot of people i haven't talked to in a long time.
it's so weird that friendships can kind of just drop off.

i don't think you can fully understand the meaning of a song until you've felt those emotions yourself.
and i've kind of been understanding a lot more songs recently.

i wish i knew how to play the piano.

fine

but i still don't understand why you'd want to 'resolve' anything with me, especially because all of this was your doing.

whatever. it's all just a waste of time but okay.

okay

that's all i wanted.

so i'll stop now, okay? i'll stop expecting anything from you. i'll stop acknowledging you. i'll stop missing you. i'll stop wishing you'd talk to me. i'll stop posting about you. i'll stop caring about this. i'll stop believing you think about me. i'll stop remembering the conversations we had. i'll stop thinking about you. i'll try to, at least.

and if you ever decide to talk to me again i'll always be here. and if my number changes it'll probably be on my myspace or something. i don't expect to talk to you ever again, though, not really. but i'm done. i'll stop bothering you. i'll stop hanging on.

(and if that wasn't about me, then i'm just going to pretend it was.)

ugh

you keep saying shit like that, then say it isn't about me.
which kay fine whatever.
but when i'm pretty sure it's about me i don't know to do anything but ignore it because i can't change this and after like two minutes you seem all ~happy again or whatever. i don't even know.

(okay and you can say this wasn't about me either but you were replying to my post. i don't know how you can go from this is hard for me and you're right, i'm not over it but i'm trying to be. to honestly i've been over it for longer than a few weeks. in two days. unless two days = a few weeks. because i really don't understand this situation, at all. not why it started or what is going on now. but then again it's probably my fault anyway because "i'm not over it." right? whatever. trust me, i'm trying to get over it. it's not like i want to care about and miss you anymore but apparently i can't ~let go~ as well and fast as you can.)

meow

'told you so' count: 2

i'd just like to say

you can pretend that i was the reason you were so sad. you can pretend that i was the only thing 'wrong' in your life. you can pretend i didn't help at all. but i was the one you cried on the phone to. so many times, i can't even count. i was the one that was on the phone with you when you got into a fight with your drunk parents. i was the one you said was the only person keeping you sane right now. and hey, maybe that's not the case anymore. but it was, at one point.

and you can say you don't miss me. you can say you don't care about me anymore, you can say you don't need me. you can say (pretend?) that your new friend is so much better than i am. you can say that she's funner. and you know what? that's absolutely fine.

but i know that when things get bad again, when shit happens and you don't know how to deal with it, she's not going to know the full story. and even if you tell her, she's not going to be the one that was there for you for months. and i can promise you you'll miss me then. you'll miss having me around, comforting you. you might even regret that you stopped talking to me.

and by that time, i'll already be over it.

because while i still miss you now, while this still hurts right now, i'll get over it in a matter of time. and i won't allow myself to be friends with you after this, because you don't deserve me and i don't deserve to be put through this. and i don't know if i'll ever stop caring for you (like you just stopped caring for me), but it's so hard to do things for someone when they hurt you so bad.

and i know i made the promise that i'd always be here for you. and while i wish that would hold true, you broke so many promises to me that i have no reason to keep my promises for you.

i can't even be sorry, anymore.

i really didn't see us singing through this

five and a half days. and counting.
will it ever change?

i'm too stubborn. and i think maybe you don't even care.
this is killing me. i know it's not bothering you.

happy eternity. have a great life.

all the shit i said before, how fucking pointless.
how worthless and lacking in meaning.

so why do i still miss it? shit.