i'm changing all my colors from the brightest reds to greys.

i wish i could say "i'm done"
it's more that i can't wait until (for)ever is over.
best friends don't last forever.
most friends don't last 10 minutes.
& i'll miss you forever when forever ended yesterday
i'm resting my eyes but never my mind because i want my memories to stay.
forever i'll wait for the day that the sun fails to rise and i'll always be able to see the stars shine in your eyes.

i do bad when it comes to apologizing.

i don't want to let you ruin this, i just don't know how.
i'm still unfamiliar with the way things run when you're slightly less than depressed.
this headache hasn't gone away since i found out the truth about you.
maybe you'll get one when you find out the truth about me too.

move it slow

i watch horror movies at night so i can't sleep for fear of nightmares. i just need some way to stay awake now. where did my life go?

music won't give up on me.

the question was: will you give up on me?
but the answer was: you already have

i've given up the subject of life.

what do i do next?

happy friday 13th, everyday of my life.

i don't close my eyes because no matter how hard i try, i always see the images i don't want to see.
i lay in doorways because the rooms represent where i live, and i live in half reality and half fantasy.
usually, more of my body is in the fantasy room.

i have carpal tunnel

i want to go outside and see you in the sunrise.
my fingers are so numb they'd send chills up you.
i am waiting for the right time.
tonight- yesterday- was nothing more than me proving myself right.
i set other people up for the letdown.
i am the letdown.
there is a spider crawling around on my wall.

come and rest your bones with me.

i have that lasting effect on people.
the one where they hate everything about me and yet are attached on trying to break me.
that's what i've been told, anyway.

sometimes i wonder how all this happened.
sometimes i wonder why it did.
sometimes i miss you.
sometimes i hate you.

i change people for the worse but mostly myself.
i fall asleep next to the keyboard.
earlier today i completely forgot who i was, where i was, and how to type.
you should have seen it.
it's feels like you're a scene kid, pretending to be who you're not cause you don't remember who you really are.
except they usually do.
and i just never do.
i wonder what it's like to live knowing you're so insecure you have to pretend.
i don't know how to pretend.
but i'm pretty insecure- mostly in the head.
you have to be legal to eat pancakes.
the meaning of life is peanut butter montage.
except you don't know what that means- to me.
i can't wait to be home. in the most nonsensical fashion.
waiting up all day and night just to see the sun set behind your house and the sun rise into the trees is worth it.
especially for you.
i am repetitive because i don't know how not to be.
i have no service which means my phone isn't sending texts and my brain isn't sending sense.
you haven't felt this way before, i can promise.
i can also promise you never will.
i'd rather run off of thirty seconds of sleep than an eternity.
the cage tonight has held you captive and i'm the whiny older stepsister torturing you.
tonight the blankets will deliver you the words that i can't say.
and everything won't come together in the perfect way.
i try to be something better but it's truth i can't.
i know why you do that to him- and people do it to me too.
i don't know what my real name is.
the last thing i remember about myself is that i miss you.
and the last thing i'll remember about you is that you wanted to miss me too.

the kids are all fucked up.

this is the first time i've taken a cold shower.
instead of leaving my skin burning red i think i caught hypothermia.
it almost felt like murky lake water but you never get used to it and the sun doesn't eventually warm it up.

got me to thinkin of how you should be a sun for halloween cause you're the sun hid behind the clouds on a winter morning
there to make my day brighter but you never really do.
i'm selfish.
i won't clean up til i'm done yet and you'll stay fucking dirty til the day i die before you're soaking wet.

sometimes i forget who i am, what i look like and i actually have to run to the mirror to see.

i'm never impressed by the image looking back at me.

i always screw up so i'm bent on breaking you (up). i'm sorry in advance.

i dreamt about you last night when i was awake.
i'm ready to be a fake.
you don't get to play with what i once knew.
she's not here for you.


i only stop using grammar and spelling when my head has hurt so bad for so long i can't tell if i have a headache anymore.
i only notice the errors.
when i get like this my mind is a zombie and i am nowhere near sane like i should be.
i am so fucking sick of repetition.
my eyes aren't droopy like they should be.
i try to close them but they are locked on being awake.
i forget who i am sometimes, but did i ever really know who i was?
my mind has shut off and my body has taken over.
it doesn't know what it's doing or where it's going.
you didn't offer just like i expected you not to.

these are all things i wrote in the past few days or weeks or months or eons.
i don't remember nor care when.
i just want them back.
cause i'm addicted to the way i feel when i think about you.

my eyes are straining to stay open

tears slip from my left eye to my right, staining my pillow case with memories of you and has beens and never weres. i'll walk myself to you. remember a summer ago. forget tomorrow. i think after march was over last year most of my life was erased from mine and everyone else's minds. nothing else can explain these things i keep finding that were once a part of me and know i don't even know how to remember them. i'll love you yesterday and tomorrow when today is stuck on pause. flip me over and press repeat. crying on your shoulder with memories of forever ago. i've got a sunset in my veins and i need to take a pill to make this town feel okay. screen's staying on longer than it's set for and i've got that feeling again where you copy everything i do but i'm the only one who knows.

couldn't think of a better title.

scribbled out the truth from your mouth and your brain, wrote it on a piece of paper and threw it away. that is everything i feel about you in all the words i can't say. simply speaking i can't get enough of you, i am in love with you, i love you, i'm obsessed with you, i want you, i need you. there are so many words i don't know that fit perfectly in the secret that is meant to be you in my mind. i tend to live in fantasy more than reality but the worst part is i'm living them both on the same world. i know you don't know but you wouldn't believe me if i told you anyway.

he smokes and he drinks and she cooks and she cleans but it's still not good enough and it never will be.

i am a purposeful mistake destined to always be in trouble. i am an organized mess ready to explode if you near too far. i am not brave for you. i want the ocean waves to clash against our skin in rythms only the water knows. i want today to mean something except i know it won't.

i can't believe i forgot about all of this.

i don't have the guts to do what you do. i remember what we once had and i'm not talking about who you think. i miss so much stuff. i hope i'll always have this to remind me of you, cause i tend to only remember the worst things. i set myself up for the letdown.

she said tonight i hate this fucking town

i like watching your eyeliner bleed. i like watching your tears stream. you always hide away from the people i love and i hate it. this smell is making me sick. you are making me sick- of life. i am the greatest lie/ar ever. i can't ever think coherent thoughts. i change moods in the blink of an eye. i miss the times when you/r words weren't too good for us. i miss everything. (including my return bar)

i knew you would. you didn't believe me.

i'm not familiar with a bedtime before 2 am. i'm not familiar with you anymore. its always pulling strings back. i don't understand anymore. i haven't felt so close and so far away from someone. i think if you looked into my eyes you would know all my secrets, including the reason my eyes are brown is cause they're full of shit. you try not to obsess over obsession but it is my hobby to do so. i'm okay without the drama as long as i've got you, or what's left of you, or a figment of you. i'll settle for the worst if it seems for the best. don't give up on this or me ever. remember those times when you actually told me what you felt? i think you should start that up again. you talk about 1 like he's 2 but just to confuse the ones who don't understand- which happens to be everyone but me. i am more ready than hearts could explain. we're sleeping on the cement tonight. i am so excited. i am so worried. one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster but until that day i'll create as much chaos my pessimism lets me.

the nightlight is mocking me

i wrote my heart into a few old worn notebooks and tied them to my hands, hoping they would bring you back. they didn't. so i drained the notebooks into a moldy mess on the floor and sucked it up with a straw. my secrets to keep until eternity or i forget them. whichever comes first. unlawful heartbreak. first base, strike out. you only tell me that to keep this to yourself and keep us all mildly sane. it only works for the ones who are more than slightly oblivious. i am more than slightly obvious. i am nosy. comfort yourself in the heat of my love til you feel like home. i won't fail to take it away from you, i promise. lullabye. (and goodnight.)